This is the first script I had ever written. It was performed in January 2007 at the 3rd annual Capricornucopia Event in Montreal (my first time attending). It was (I think) well received and the actors who performed really made the night for me. It was a rush.
Capricornucopia is great fun and I’m honored to have been part of it every year since then. As I recover the scripts I have written, I will be putting them up on the site, to keep it all in one place.
The scripts are goofy as hell and we do try to outdo each other in going for the cheap laugh.
Here’s the first script. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.
Note: Every year, we at Capricornucopia like to try different things. All the script writers being capricorns, it is a standing tradition to include a goat in all of our scripts.
In 2006, I was told the challenge was to include the line “Do my eyes deceive me or is that a goat?” and some mention of royalty.
This short skit was inspired by a bit at the beginning of one of Douglas Adams’ fine Dirk Gently novels, where his neighbor who teaches french lessons is frequently mistaken for a prostitute. I was inspired to see how it would work out the opposite way.
The French Lesson
Location: Somewhere in London?
Characters:
Walter – A shy, virginal, prudish man in his late twenties.
Babette – An english prostitute advertising “french lessons” from her loft
The customer – Just a guy
The Goat – a goat
Walter is walking up the stairs to a second floor landing in an old appartment building converted to small offices.
The customer is coming down the stairs from visiting the door reading “French Lessons”. Walter bumps into him.
Customer: Enter stage left, crossing stage
Walter: Enter stage right
Walter: Hum, excuse me, was she any good?
The Customer: It was Mag-ni-fick. I sure learned a lot mate. Worth every penny. Hehe.
Customer: Exit stage right
Babette: (From off stage) Just a minute!
Babette: Enter stage right
Babette: Why hello handsome..what can I do for you? *wink*
Walter: Humm, I-I-I I hope this isn’t a bad time, but I cam for….french lessons?
Babette: Well normally I don’t do walk ins dear, but today’s quite free so I suppose I can make an exception for you.
Walter (brightly): Magnifique!
Babette: Magni-what?
Walter: Hum. Magnifique?
(Babette: Stare blankly)
Walter: P-perhaps I’m saying it wrong…I guess I have a lot to learn
Babette: *Loud laugh* Oh that’s FRENCH! Aren’t you a sweet lad! Come in dear, come in!
Walter: Step through “doorway” and look around
Walter: Wow, do you work here? Its such a small place! Just a bed and…humm…stuff.
Babette: Oh you! How much space do you think you NEED? I’ll be right back, I need to freshen up. You caught me right after my last client of the day *giggle*
Walter: Is he a good student?
Babette: Oh verrrrry good…but he could do with a few lessons in manners I suppose, not what I get paid for really.
Babette: exit stage right
Babette: (From off stage) Just you make yourself comfy dear, I’ll be right out.
Walter: Shyly sit on the edge of the bed
Babette: Enter stage right and she stare at Walter surprised.
Babette: You don’t expect us to do this like that do you dear?
Walter: What this?
Walter: takes off his coat
Walter: Hum, don’t you have a desk or classroom or something?
Babette: Sorry dear, what you see is what you get…although I suppose if you want a naughty student I can find a uniform or something.
Walter: It must be hard to teach in an environment like this I imagine.
Babette: Teach? Well I can do that here as well as anywhere I suppose, was there something special you wanted to learn?
Walter: (smiling shyly) well I would love to be quite the cunning linguist…see there’s this girl in Marseilles I’ve met on the internet and …
Babette: *loud laugh* OH Bless you dear!
Walter: well I’d like to be able to surprise her. She can converse quite well in English but I want to go the extra mile so to speak
Babette: How gentlemanly…well we can do that here! Why would you need a classroom for? *giggles* Now you just lie back and…
Babette: lean Walter back on the bed and fumble with buttons on his shirt
Walter: What like this?
Babette: Just relax, Babette will make sure you can handle any situation in Marseilles…
Walter: Pull away from Babette and move away across the stage
Walter: I think I’d learn better standing over here.
Babette: (Shrugging) Ok dear, I know the duke liked it that way as well!
Babette: approach Walter
Walter: dodge Babette and keep your distance
Walter: Which Duke?
Babette: I think he said Edinburrough, he was quite into standing, but that was years ago.
Walter: Wasn’t he fluent in french?
Babette: Oh quite.
Walter: A successful student then? That’s reassuring…given the methods I see
Babette: Well I wouldn’t say that, but I taught him a trick of two.
Babette: approach Walter
Walter: dodge Babette and keep your distance
Walter: Must you get so close?
Babette: Well how else will you get your money’s worth?
Walter: What?
Babette: Oh I see… you’ve never done this before!
Walter: Well only a little
Babette: Is this your first time dear? There’s no shame
Walter: Well my mother taught me a bit…I was homeschooled you see.
Babette: What? That’s awful!
Walter: Well admitedly she wasn’t very good.
Babette: Cross stage away from Walter and open a cabinet to reach for a bottle
Babette: I need a drink, would you like one? I think you could use it…no charge.
Walter: (Looking shocked) What the heck are those?
Babette: What those? (Point inside cabinet) That’s a whip, this one’s a vibrator and of course, the handcuffs. Pretty standard fare dear. Would you like me to use them? It won’t cost extra.
Walter: Do your students REQUEST these?
Babette: Well some absolutely need them dear
Walter: I think I will take that drink.
Goat: (From off stage) BaaaaH! Bahhh!
Walter: Do my eyes deceive me or is that a goat?
Babette: Of course dear, but if you want him its 20 quid extra
Walter: I think I need to leave now!
Walter: exit stage left running
Babette: Come back! Oh zut alors!
The Basement Office 
Feels good! Finding my voice again.