I had a bit of a meltdown this weekend. It’s no one’s fault, just a lot of little things and a lot building up over weeks and months. I’m so very lucky to be surrounded by people who care and try to suggest solutions. They don’t deserve my grumpiness. It’s just becoming clear to me that many things need to change. All those things are in one spot. Me.
I’ve been steadily getting more and more depressed and tired and basically fighting a losing battle with time, personal energy, personal and business commitments. I sleep too much, I don’t feel like I’m getting things done that I SHOULD get done and I certainly don’t feel like I do the things I WANT to do. Most days, it’s been a fight to just go to work.
I’ve been so concerned with holding the line and not losing what I have that I’ve been exactly doing just that…and I am well aware of the old saying “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result” Since I am not insane and reasonably intelligent, it’s clear to me I need to change a little or a lot.
Now, all is not lost, and I’m definitely not going over the edge or anything. Like I said before, I’m privileged, I’m lucky. I have an excellent support system which many do not have. It’s not so dark as it seems. I’m not in any danger or trouble. I just want to go beyond just surviving and holding the line. I can’t just do that anymore.
I just really wanted to write down a few things here that I can go back and refer to over the next few months. A starting point that I can focus on and re-evaluate as I (hopefully) move forward. I don’t really have answers, plans or solutions to anything right now. I have vague ideas. If I stumble on anything I intend to follow up.
Things I want to change:
- My financial situation. Things are not dire, but they aren’t anywhere near good either. I’m living paycheck to paycheck (barely) and keeping afloat. This is NOT living. It’s clear (for various reasons) that my current job isn’t going to be helping fix this and changing jobs isn’t in the cards either. I’m almost 50, with a house and family. Gambles aren’t in the cards. I need a bit more room at the end of my budget.
- My personal health. I’m almost 50. Overweight (less so than before so there’s that), diabetic and possibly narcoleptic. I live in a state of exhaustion most days without any reason. My life isn’t any more full than anyone else. I get a day off, I sleep the entire day. This does not constitute healthy downtime. I’m realizing now that my headspace is REALLY suffering for it.
- I’m not writing. While this isn’t critical to most people, it’s a canary in a coal mine for my own psyche. I have learned in the last two decades that I am a MUCH better, healthier and happier person when I have a creative outlet.
- Interpersonal relationships. I want to be more present with my friends and family. I realize that changing the above will likely help this.
- My professional situation. While my job situation is not ideal, I DO like what I do and my team is now pretty good. They deserve my best and I’m not sure I’ve been providing that.
I’ve been spit balling some concrete things I can try so I can bring about the changes I am wanting. I might not even try all of these…we’ll see how it goes.
Things to try:
- Writing. (Duh). I have published a short story recently. That’s a damn dream come true. It’s not time to stop. I have a few good stories started. I have ideas that I like. I need to try and work on them on a regular basis.
- Courses. I have a TON of resources available to me to learn new skills and freshen old ones (Literally a metric fuck-ton). There are so many things I want to learn, many of which I COULD use to help my professional, financial or health situation. I need to use them. I’m making a list right now of what I have access to.
- Side-business. I want to start a small side business. I’ve tried to find a second job but very very few fit into my schedule (many want too much availability for what I can provide having a full time career and family). The next best thing is to find something I can do part-time that might earn a little extra income. I’m not falling for those “I earn 2000 a month with 15 minutes worth of work a day” crap, but there are valid side-hustles that might suit me. I can look into those.
- Guitar. I’m listing this one separately from my courses. I have resources. I miss playing. I want to learn again. Maybe learn together with my kiddo. A father/daughter thing which would be kind of cool.
- Working out. I have a gym membership. Turns out you actually have to GO for it to have any benefit. Who knew? It’d be nice to be healthier, trimmer.
- Kung-Fu. I want to return to classes. I can’t afford it but I know what it would take financially. Getting my situation rectified would allow me to accomplish this. I have the best instructor and I’m really really looking forward to maybe being able to join his school.
- Cooking/BBQ. I have done very little of this beyond the basics. Outside of writing, BBQ (and cooking in general) is a passion of mine.
- Clearing out the basement. I have a pretty nice basement space with an office, a home gym, a lounge area but it’s buried with detritus and junk. I need to clear it out and make it livable. Not just for myself either. It’s a major undertaking but it would be nice to get that done.
Well, just writing things down like this makes me feel a lot better. It gives me a bit of direction and bit of hope on a Monday morning where I didn’t even want to get out of bed.